Well its early Sunday morning and I am drinking my coffee and smoking my cig, by myself.  You know what this sucks big time. Its not supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to have the fairy tale, had the fairy tale now its gone.  Houses being sold, boat sold , corvette sold, am I next???   I hate the lonliness.  It follows me everywhere, even in a crowd.Saturday nights are suppoed to be fun, not home by yourself watching TV with the dog.  At least I have her.  You know what.  I GIVE UPPPPP, DONE WITH THIS, KAPUT!
I can't control anything , so why do I try...

Its a Wednesday nite and I am sitting here trying to decide what to write.  Its funny , I always wanted to do a journal since Anthony died, but I just can't put everything to paper.  Kind of not wanting to own up to the pain I guess.
He will be missing so much these next two months.  We would have been married 27 yrs. May 19th and he would have been 48 on May 28th.  I cannot believe that it has been 4 yrs. already. 
Alyssa will be going to her boyfriend's prom Friday nite.  She is so nervous as it is in another school.  I know she will be alright.  She has now mentioned it a couple of times how she is missing him, since she really doesn't talk about it at all.  She says we are not a family anymore.  I try to be mom and dad for her. 
She also has her prom on June 1st and then she graduates high school June 13th.  I will be the only one there for her.  My heart breaks for her.  Why does this poor child have to go through this and have these horrible memories her whole life?????  What life lesson is she learning?
I am also extremely stressed as I had to put the house on the water up for sale, next will be the house we live in.  I just can't keep up with the expenses anymore.  I am so scared!!!  Sometimes I wonder if there is some lesson that I am supposed to be learning also??  If so, what could it be.....
I have finally found a full time job.  At least that was something good that happened for me.  I really get lonely, especially the weekends.  I never want to be in this house alone, I always have to find something to do.  Will it get any easier?

Friday night

Well another Friday night alone. God how I hate the silence. Just me and my dog. Alyssa is out as usual, well I can't expect an 18 yr. old to stay home with me, now can I???
I hate this feeling. Sometimes I don't eve feel comfortable in my own skin. I ty to keep really busy all day, so I can sleep easy at night.
I still ask why?? Maybe this is suppose to be a learning lesson for me. Well okay God lesson learned, now return everything back to normal.......

Please!!

Well its been 4 yrs. and this blog has been empty like my heart. Sunday morning sitting here in my house doesn't even feel like I belong here anymore. The stress is killing me. Where is my life going? I thought my retirement was all set... Then he has to go and commit suicide and my world has been upside down ever since. What am I to do??